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eating disorders you don't just wake up , at half one you don'just wake up and , you start starving yourself no one's , body wants to be starving , I stopped really knowing what hunger was , February Th W I'm starting a diet , today for real just until after Germany , I need to be thin there , I feel like am huge all the time for , the past W year's year-old Lindsey , has suffered from a number of different , eating disorders my relationship with , food has always been tumultuous think , losing five pounds of the ideals this , morning Eat a cup of fruit and half a , bagel but made sure to leave a little , bit both it was a big joke with my , family that Lindsay only eats about W , items or W items of foodie'm going to , go work out too and burn at least W , calories as I got older yep that was my , relationship but really changed us in , high school so there I am where I know , I'm counting calories I definitely , wan't the smartest girl in the class I , wan't the prettiest girl in the class I , wan't the sportiest but I was small , when I hit puberty or suddenly I wan't , the smallest person in the class knew , Always wanted to be Indra hundred , pounds always my stomach has been , freaking out a lot lately I hate eating , so weird so you go when I was was the , first time I threw up intentionally , remember getting up and going tithe , bathroom and maybe myself puke and I , thought oh my god that was so easy I , kept binge eating a secret I would just , find sneaky ways of hiding food allover , the house I always been cereal that was , my thing , pretty cereal sugary cereal did not have , I would bend until it hurt and then I'd , go pick it up that was my life , at college Lindsey's eating disorders , change further after she lost her best , friend and turned to exercise an alcohol , for solace would exercise until I , would exercise until I was lightheaded , I'd go once twice three times a day , because Iowas losing calories so that , made me feel good about myself but also , completely walking out dealing with my , best friend's death and sometimes I , would blackout , I drank win ea lot of wine to coat my , stomach I never wanted to be really , drunk just did't want to feel hunger , and so for me I drank one glass of wine , it took that edge off be able to go out , and function socially be around food , without feeling like I needed to Eve , drinkers is not a medical term I , think people get confusing the , drinkers is like this you know , clinicians term but it's not throughout , this time , Lindsay still tried to hide her eating , disorder from all her friends and family , [Music] , do you wanna drink winery nope okay we , went to dinner any I knew you had run a , half marathon that day and you ordered a , kale salad and they put Parmesan cheese , on it and you were like really annoyed , because you thought they had put too , much cheese on Ito know for a fact that , you ran like miles that day and I saw , that you were just like not eating my , lowest rate was at age and I weighed , W pounds told my parents piece of , my name disorder once I told them they , started noticing it , and I did't realize my parents were , watching me so closely you know'd , gotten away with my eating disorder for , seven years at that point we found the , boxes of cereal opened the cabinet and , they were gone Olden't saw him in the , recycle bin said there's two boxes of , cereal that have been eaten here in the , last W hours , then that was just it all kind of came , together well I was devastated , you know you beat yourself up you think , how come I did't see it this was right , before went to treatment so this was , September 8 W and I wrote and I can't , Ire ally don't even remember where Iowas , when Wrote this but I wrote I'm so , unhappy living like this absolutely , cannot continue to live this way , I can'Ti'm going to lose everything , Lindsay finally went into rehab at W , years old , this morning I am headed Tao ridden for , a treatment center the place where I , went for a new disorder treatments been , the first time in four years since I , love treatment and I'm going back , I look Adrienne it was place of safety , I guess in my recovery of Linda Watt , part of my eating disorder was always , wanting to be validated wanting to be , liked loved wanted everyone to like me , when I made my bigger transformation was , actually having to be it was actually , having to come clean and be honest about , more how I was feeling and instead of , just trying to manipulate all the , situations around Meir had to figure out , who Iowas again I had to figure out who , Iowas without this eating disorder , because had given up everything , heed doing really well yeah thank you , all right this is where the magic , happens I remember this room very very , much have any of the guidelines change , not really I mean we're still trying to , encourage people to move away from the , diet mentality and not count calories , what do you remember about the food , remember those one bagels a lot of , bananas that waffle day oh god waffle , day yeah love one pancake day yeah , Lindsay now blogs about her experiences , with eating disorders wanted somebody , to tell me exactly what it was going to , be like like wanted to hear the nutty , gritty , I started all this blogging because I , wanted to give that back I wanted it to , be some whereon the internet for , somebody that was like me two weeks , prior to going to treatment I I'vie , literally been that two days ago this , girl reached out to me and Saudi hit , rock bottom the other night and this , chick is off to rehab tomorrow you are , an incredible writer thank you for your , honest accounts'm happy to see you're , getting me help dose pretty cool feels , Good think lot of people have been , helped by her and sou I'Avery proud of , her as I look back at my journey one of , the biggest things I'vie taken away from , it is that it's okay to not be okay my , biggest takeaway is just how proud am , of Hershey took you know the one of the , biggest lemons life could throw at you , made lemonade on , I read these diaries and it helps give , me good perspective on where I am now I , don'tavern recognize girl anymore , really you
